“I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That’s why I’m trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning.” –Charlie, The Perks of Being a Wallflower
God, I love this book. The Perks of Being a Wallflower is, as I finally found a pretty good way to describe it last night while explaining it to my boyfriend, a beautiful train wreck.
I started feeling the exact way Charlie describes a short while ago. I was looking through old Facebook postings and my News Feed, and, I have no idea why, but I started feeling bad. It wasn’t anything in particular I found; it was just sort of everything as a whole. I don’t know why. I don’t know what happened. All I know is that I feel exactly as above. I don’t want to be here right now. I want my head to stop reeling. I want it all to go away.
I don’t know what to do when I start feeling this way. Usually, I end up falling apart, but that’s not an option right now. I can only be trapped within the confines of my head. Why? My parents are sitting five feet from me in the same room.
They’re facing away from me watching a football game. I probably just look like I’m really focused on whatever they think I’m doing on the computer. I am focused I suppose. I am trying to focus anyway because I don’t want to keep thinking the thoughts I was thinking earlier. I don’t want to feel bad. I want my chest to stop feeling so tight. I want the headache that’s suddenly appeared to go away. I’m desperately trying to grasp at these words, hoping they’ll guide me back to solid ground safely. So if this post is a bit more than muddled, I apologize.
I was just casually scrolling through things on my computer when all these awful thoughts came crashing through the floodgates. All of a sudden, too. I really hate Facebook. It’s so stupid. But that’s not the point. What happened was I started thinking about my life. How it was versus how it is, and comparing it to other people, like my boyfriend, and it suddenly became clear that I suck at life. I don’t want to explain that statement right now, but you should know I do. I haven’t done very much right, and it feels like
all most of the relationships I have or had (family, friendship, or otherwise) were or are simply surface level. The worst part is I realized it’s all my fault.
I am a hard person to get close to. I am flaky and noncommittal. I lose focus. I get bored quickly. I am pessimistic. I hate trends and fakes. I generally don’t care about people. I push them away. I don’t even know why. It’s not that I want to be alone in life. I really don’t. I guess I am just a baby. I get my feelings hurt or get pushed around a little and bam! suddenly I’m out the door and uninterested. I’m just a mean person.
I’ve done a lot of horrible things I can never take back or really make right. I can’t change my past. I just want it all to go away. If I didn’t exist a lot of people I care about wouldn’t have been hurt. And I wouldn’t have to feel this way. I just want to stop feeling this way.
I don’t want to think anymore. Maybe I’ll just go to bed and get started on that thousand-year sleep.